Let's make a brief review of all that we have gone through the past lessons and sum it up, summarize it up so to speak. We have learned that the nature of any suffering is incredibly primitive in fact. Yes? It is simple and is born from a dualistic split, from an internal conflict, which in turn stems from the fact that in the beginning one has to learn how to compare and evaluate. And from here comes the countless number of so-called polarities.
That is the nature of dualism, it is not a limited number of internal conflicts and polarities that give birth and then a sense of inner chaos and despair in man, although he used to think that this is really something outside his insides tearing apart, and does something with it irreparable. But in reality, everything is exactly the opposite.
There is a creation of an internal split in half and the inside of the conflict, a person like a pendulum, he starts to rush. Yes? When he rushes inside polarities, creating internal conflict, it accumulates within himself, more and more so-called atomic energy, so to speak, which is then summed. And it is a very suppression, which ultimately leads to an explosion, because the lid on a jar of atomic energy hold indefinitely impossible.
But we are already have made it clear that a person feels depressed and worthless, he is doomed to rush between the guilt and nullity and be sure to compensate for a feeling of importance. This feeling of insignificance, because he just gets mad with grief, and he can not turn it off until it is turned off in the dualistic split, he can not jump out of there, he can not see that there are other ways. It seems to him that the time here, he feel worthless, so he has to jump out to somewhere, to find freedom, the importance and significance.
That is, if he keeps himself endlessly in depression, it is necessary, to be sure to somehow express or affect the state, aggression, or crying, or tears, or ... I do not know, like he gets drunk, and will have sex with anyone. And in the morning, having received such a release from his pain, even more to slide into a state of disgust, loathing to him. It's just one of my student told me after finding inner freedom, he was trying to clean himself...and he tried so hard, that he scratched his neck. And he explained to me: I slept with a drunken woman, and I'm so sick of myself that I was trying to rinse it. I had no where to put myself and I tried so aggressively that I scratched myself.
This is the energy that wrap around when you trying to escape somewhere from the shackles of emptiness, making yourself worse. And it turns out that you casts even more in the sense of inferiority, because the circle is closed, increasing self-loathing, the growing lack of confidence in themselves, require enhanced compensation. And the gain
compensation leads to a higher frustration, and great disappointment require further compensation.
These revels in polarities, they externally look very grotesque, often. Because when a person from feelings of worthlessness seeks to somehow gain a sense of importance, because he is only looking outside. He always aimed outward, he is not aware of everything that happens within it. And it seems to him that well, here's a look, but I proved I became significant, I became as valuable. Give it to me and acknowledge it.
Therefore ego tactics often look so grotesque, hysterical, so flaunt, and very demonstrative. Because people like to ask this, please, give me this, give me this, tell me that I am now important! Right now, did I already reach to you that I am important, that I am valuable! Because I do not believe it myself. That’s how the pain screams.
And when we realize that the person shouts about the pain of emptiness, we can see beyond any bravado, beyond any certainty, beyond of any pressure, that's just such pressure: "I am an absolutely confident business woman", we can always see beneath this thick layer of bravado and alya. Here is such a hysterical belief, very very great pain, and despair because people do not realize that only here, from awareness, comes the balance, peace, serenity, in total harmony.
The illusion that we can somehow establish clearly in one of the sides and stop rushing, absurd. Because it's the same thing, really. So when people say, I'm here now choose the position, for example, I'll be right there due to the nation: Behold this nation here, but this I will be scolded.
But it certainly can not be anything other than the pain intensified, because the more I caused this nation, the more I am in protest against the other. And thus I reach such an absurdity determined to crush my soul, it becomes unbearable for me, an unbearable ocean of pain. Yes? And it becomes my life, where I get to such idiocy, I'm looking for excellence in each of my steps, and it's not like we are Petersburgers, but maybe even Muscovites.
All wars start from dualistic split, and this gives rise to internal conflict in the beginning, then interpersonal, then internecine and then worldwide.
So guys, let's close our eyes… I'll direct a fresh example of yesterday's session, when the student says:
"Why am I alone? No, but why, why I'm alone? Why?”
Let’s watch this feeling, let's feel this state, just mind the thought-form now
talk: "Why am I alone? Why am I alone? Why am I alone? ...”
What kind of feeling gives birth? This question to yourself ... What feeling immediately goes in the body? We observe what a feeling in the body .... So….the feeling in the body ... so ... Orienting to the heart chakra in the first place. Maybe someone has it in the stomach or in the coccyx chakra or the solar plexus; sometimes at the third eye (but this is rare), and the throat is (it is quite rare). Most of it is in the heart chakra, the solar plexus and the sacral.
Watch ... what are ... the reaction in the area ...
"Why am I alone? Why am I alone?”
And observe the reaction, a chemical reaction in the body originates, arises from the fact that it is endowed with the interpretation of the “it's scary.” This means that I am worthless. That's why I am alone. Here originates a feeling of emptiness, but not from this thought-form itself "Why am I alone?" it means something, but because it is endowed with the interpretation, the pendulum swings, so to say, ... the interpretation of what it means that I am vile, I'm bad, that I do not meet certain alya-standards.
Watching now... of these interpretations are create in a body that is being created. So... what we have just seen how a sense of emptiness has been born. There was a thought-form:
"Why am I alone?"
and out of this the interpretation was born:
"It means that I'm useless", from this interpretation comes the chemical feeling in the body.
Go ahead. That's when ... thought, thought-forms:
"That's when I will not be alone, then everything will be well."
Interpretation of this thought-form:
"When I will be not alone, then I and everything will be fine." Why? Because "I'm a full-fledged, beloved, precious."
So, we are seeing that feeling in the body is polarity. There is a swinging ... sense of value: "Finally, finally, I compensate for my devastation and will attain a sense of the importance, of a sense of meaning, a sense of usefulness. I'll be useful!”
..."and so I will be valuable!"
We observe what is happening here. Such a-a-a!
"This. That's going to happen to me. Yes, that it will happen. When that happens, that's it, I'm going to live."
And we have seen that it is very short feeling, because the adrenaline surge as well as adrenaline surge with a sense of anxiety, adrenaline splash in a sense of relief, it is very short.
Seeing a rollback ...
"like this ... and yet ... here it is ... So what?" ...
And then seeing shifter as shifter polarities works:
"How long I'm not alone as I have it all got, I have absolutely no moments of peace... But if I’ll be alone...”
and the thought-form is:
“Now, if I’ll be alone! Now, if I’ll be alone, I would have so much rest and freedom!”
"And here I am alone, I'm alone, oh oh, how well I'm finally one! How great I'm finally alone!”
"But I have not one, and here is the family, it's all tears me to pieces... and I am constantly in some...in some constantly nerve brake condition... and very exhausted... I can not, I was so devastated when I am not alone..."
Thus flip-flop inevitable. Yes? We observe today as the polarity of the work. That is the first feeling we take,
"I'm one, one, I'm all alone, I am physically here is one,"
and a feeling of emptiness. It seems to me that the emptiness of that I am alone.
The second point:
"I am not alone! Now I have a woman, I have kids! But I am so tired, so furious. I was again devastated.”
"If I could only be alone...”
Here I have one, we look at a picture where I'm alone again:
“Oh, well, when I'm alone. What a relief, what freedom is. "
And again, I once again devastated...”
"But if I was not alone"...
Well, obviously, yes, that's how it is in the minds of throwing happens born this way. That is, we think that first is a thought-form:
"I'm the one,"
and the connection is straight, so I'm not happy. And here I am not alone, so I'm happy.
Then the changeling:
"I'm not alone, that’s why I am not happy. But if I had one, I'd be happy."
So, in fact, while I'm in the playground of my conceptual, dualistic mind, I inevitably doomed is constantly in a certain state, waiting impart fullness, and being in the present moment in the void simply devastated. That is, in fact, that people are not being chased for external changes that supposedly will give him this feeling, and it tends unconsciously to the state of integration and harmony. And of course, while he is in the polarities within, as we have discussed, he could not find it there.
And now, let's do the following practices.
"I am one, so I'm unhappy"... watch the state...
"I'm one so I'm devastated,"...
"When I'm not alone, I'm fulfill,"...
So, now let’s do flip-flop,
"When I'm not alone,... I'm devastated, because I am not free, I'm devastated,"...
"When I'm alone, I will be fulfill. "
So in fact, when I am alone - I am devastated, when I am not alone - I am devastated. At the present moment what is happening? That in really: when I am alone - I am devastated, and when I am not alone - I am all the same devastation, I’m always devastated. At the present moment, here and now, while I am not aware, I have always been devastated.
That is, at least here, or here, at least in these circumstances, external, or in these external circumstances, I am doomed to live a kind of illusory expectation of tomorrow, which is supposedly going to make me full.
So fullness, fullness... that when I watch from the habit of my thoughts that tomorrow will give me salvation.
So, I'm watching from the top, directly above the crown, are located over the top of mind, I see (a little over my own body) the way on how in my mind flow of habitual thoughts that I am not happy in the moment, like as if such there are circumstances it makes me miserable... and I'll be in a happy moment tomorrow, if these circumstances obey me.
Let’s observe the difference:
"I'm devastated because those circumstances made me this way...” We’re conditioned!
Now, let’s change perspectives:
"I used to think I was devastated because the circumstances do make me this way,"
We go back:
"I am deeply unhappy because they are not the circumstances I would like.” Let’s go up:
"I used to think that I am unhappy because allegedly circumstances make me as such," (directly above the crown)
Let’s go back again:
"I believe that I am unhappy...because I'm not in those circumstances."
We observe the feeling, the feeling, the feeling, the feeling in the body:
“I used to think "... mindfulness
"I used to think that I am unhappy, because there is not the circumstances that I need."
We observe, observe the feelings in the body:
"I am deeply unhappy because they are not the circumstances...I used to think that I am unhappy because the circumstances I want"....
Observe feelings in the body ... we’re going back to the conscious:
"Now, I realize that my habit to be unhappy, makes me happy. I'm aware of that,"
From the crown of the head:
“I'm aware of that, and I just observe my feelings in the body,”
"I'm aware of that..."
We do not confer any interpretation, but just observe:
"Yes, I'm aware of that,"
I'm just looking in the sense of the body, sensations in the body, not giving any estimates, interpretations.
"Yes, I am aware that I used to be unhappy and to recreate those feelings in myself..."
“But damn, how can I be with this? What do I do with this? To me this still need to do something with it! It's been so long that I can not continue in my life! Even though I realize that this is not the external circumstances doing this with me, but what am I to do with it?”
That’s it. We just jump from observation down to criticism. That’s it. This way we can see the difference. So, as soon as I observe my thought-forms and on this occasion I have a new thought-form about it, that means I jumped out of awareness.
So, when students say that, “I supposedly am in awareness, and there is no clearness there too...because, because...why?” Because they lost awareness, they missed the moment when they tumbled to the criticism that calls all into the question to compare, evaluate, and make this assessment again. Yes?
And it turns out that if we miss this moment, as soon as we begin to think, think, think about our old thoughts, it turns out that we have already lost our non-judgmental. We have missed the moment when a new thought process has begun on the old thought process, and thus just slipped back into unconsciousness. And it seems to us that, well our intention to keep it in awareness, and in fact has once again suffered a setback.
This way, we can track that again I do think, and I can get up back again and start watching my feelings in the body, and do watch my old thoughts which I studied as a source of my feelings in the body.
On the surface it looks like a simple practice. Well, guys, it is not simple. Let's stop here and jump back and forth, and observe during the day how is not that easy to be in constant awareness, and the is required constantly.
However, and most importantly, that as soon as we're trying to keep something, we immediately lose it. It's like the game of polarities. Remember our graph? That if I have something to hold, I lose it, like if I hold a man, I'm losing it automatically. If I hold the status of awareness, I'm losing it of course, because I include the conceptual mind that thinks, "How to keep it from loosing?”
If I want to find a pure stream of consciousness, to connect to the source, if I think as much as I do not lose, as I would find a stream of consciousness and connect with the source, I have already lost. Yes? So let's now just to practice back and forth jumps, making our first jumps between awareness and back, from awareness and back. That is to say: "I forgot, yes, I forgot that I was aware of myself," so pop back and realize myself again. That is a skill conscious witness will also eventually happen to be automatically, but this is the result of training.
I’ll see you soon.